Welcome to the World!

On Saturday, January 5, 2013 Jacob Alexander (Baby A) and Jonathan Wyatt (Baby B) finally made their appearance. This post is very hard for me to write because I have very conflicting and confusing feelings about my birthing experience, some feelings that I am still quite bitter about.

 

My preparation for the surgery began the day before.  The nurses I had in the days leading up to Saturday were great in telling me what to expect and how to best recover from the C-section.  Several of the nurses had also experienced a C-section and those tips were the best. Of course, I had been doing lots of my own research on the Internet and promptly freaking myself out over some of the details I was reading. After a bit, I had to just turn the computer off, say "Enough!" and pray; probably what I should have done to begin with.

 My home sweet home

My infamous bed

Since its a handicapped room, it was decent sized with a good amount of daylight

Bathroom with a nice chair to sit on while I took my shower/cried

My view for 10 weeks, only adding to the prisonlike atmosphere. If Elliot and I were ever rich, one of the first things I would do is donate enough money to "redo" the MFMU of the hospital and demand that any rooms have a nice view and donate enough money to guarantee that. No one should have to stare at this for months.



If I laid down almost completely on my back, I could get a glimpse of the sky.

The night before; I am huge and so uncomfortable with pelvic pain

Taken Friday, January 4, 2013, our last night before becoming parents!

Friday evening, a nurse came in to clip, not shave, the area from under my belly button to about an inch below my panty line. Being a pretty modest person, this was a bit embarrassing and made me very self conscious, but thankfully the nurse who had to do the clipping was one of my favorites. She was a pretty, petite blonde thing, whose sweet demeanor reminded me of my friend Melanie, which was comforting to me. Mentally, I was beginning to get anxious as my pregnancy was finally coming to an end, we would finally get to meet the boys but compounded with the fact that is a major surgery oh and possible NICU time for the boys.  After the clipping was finished, I had to shower with a special sponge that has antiseptic wash on it. It is the same sponge that the doctors wash up with when they prepare for surgery.  I tried to drink lots of water all day Friday and up to midnight, when they took away my water pitcher since you cannot have food or drink so many hours before the surgery. After I finished with my shower, Elliot and I tried to get some sleep before the big day.

Anyway, one of the things I had been advised about was using caution about my food choices   They would monitor me closely after the surgery to see when I passed gas and when I moved my bowels; they may not let me leave the hospital until those things occurred  Before the surgery, I chose foods that were "lighter" and hopefully be easy to pass. I also avoided soda and using a straw since that would require me to suck in air. The nurses and the several articles I read online about recovering mentioned that some of the worst pain after the surgery would be gas pains, since air gets into your stomach since it is being cut open. One my nurses, who had a C section, told me to make sure to ask  for and take my stool softener, pain and gas meds as often as they would let me. I was also told the order of the operation procedures. Once the operation room was ready for me, I would be wheeled into the operating room, while Elliot was to wait outside until they came to get him. Once I was in the OR, they would do the final steps to prep me, including giving me a spinal block. Once they were about to begin the surgery, Elliot would be escorted into the room and instructed to sit by my head. After the surgery was over, I would then go to a recovery room for about an hour. If the boys were ok, they would go with me to the recovery room. If the boys needed assistance, they would be immediately be taken to the NICU. Elliot and I had decided that he would accompany them to the NICU and get them settled and then come back to me in the recovery room. He would give me an update on the boys and then go tell everyone in the waiting room that the boys had arrived and start making phone calls. I was also insistent that once they let me out of the recovery room, I and Elliot would be the first people to meet and greet our boys. THEN, all the family could come to the NICU to meet the boys. Not surprisingly, the best laid plans went awry.
 

Saturday morning before the surgery, my room was a steady stream of hospital staff in and out. We were visited by the anesthesiologist  a special surgery nurse who had me sign off on all the C section related paperwork, Dr. Wright to see if I had any questions before surgery, and various nurses wishing us good luck. Of course, the boys had to have one last time on the monitor to make sure everything was still ok. It was a bit surreal to know I would not have to endure that again and the boys would soon be in our arms. I was still quite anxious as the scheduled time was drawing near, and became even more so once they told me that my surgery had to be pushed back a bit. Elliot then had to call his parents and mine to tell them about the delay and not to worry if they did not hear any news as soon as they expected. Elliot's mom was insistent on wanting to wait at the hospital, even though we warned her that the wait would now be even longer. 

Last time on the monitors...Jonathan is the upper, middle and Jacob is the lower right (my right). Usually there is also a 3rd to monitor me, but since it was delivery day, they decided to forgo it. Often Jonathan would show up on "my" monitor or vice versa. Sometimes Jonathan's monitor would be so high it would be between my breasts. The beige materials is stretchy and helps hold the monitors down when the boys try to kick them off. Jonathan's monitor also has some washcloths on it too to try to help down the monitor in place. Crazy boys...

Heartbeats on the monitor

 

So finally it's go time and they wheel me carefully in a wheelchair towards the operating room and Elliot walks along side. They wheel me at brisk pace and I begin to feel nauseous, but just as I am about to say something we arrive and it is Elliot's turn to get dressed in scrubs and wait while they prep me. I am lead into the operating room and told to sit on the narrow metal operating table. They introduce me to all the staff and explain where the babies will be (in side by side incubators) once they come out and how I can see them. The incubators are along the wall towards my feet, but I can look at a huge TV style screen on my left that will show me a direct view of one of the boys. Unfortunately, there is not another camera for Baby B's bed so I do not get to see him immediately. This irritates me because twins are becoming more common and why don't they have two cameras? Who wouldn't want to see both babies?

The room is cold and I only have my thin gown and I am shivering. Elliot is still waiting in the hall and he will not be allowed in until they are just about to start the operation. They explain the spinal block, how the medicine will work and that I must be completely still. The anesthesiologist also warns me that I may become numb instantly, so be prepared. I sit on the side of the table, my feet dangling down, with my arms circling  and resting on the circulating nurse's neck and torso, while they numb and put in the spinal block. It hurts, but not as bad as I had imagined. It's definitely uncomfortable and I have to remind myself to breathe. I feel the numbing sensation instantly and the nurse instructs me to swing my legs back up and onto the table. I try and realize I cannot so the nurse must place my legs on the table. My arms are tied down, spread eagle style and this is also irritating. I don't mind that they cannot be by my side because the doctors need room to work, but I can't stand that they are tied down. Very uncomfortable. They also set up the drape so I cannot see what's going on with my stomach.

Elliot is brought in and given a little stool to sit on by my head and Dr. Wright comes in and introduces me to the other doctor, a female and I forget her name, but she is still in residency. With two babies and my pregnancy history, I am quite the learning experience. YEA...The rooms fills with music, '80s rock, by Dr. Wright's request. 

Dr. Wright proceeds to pinch and prick several areas of my lower half to determine if I am numb. I am, very much so. He proceeds with the surgery, telling me each step before he does it.  It does not hurt, it's more of an annoying feeling to me because someone is in control of my body, not me and I cannot see what is going on. Not that I want to of course. So I look into Elliot's eyes and try to calm myself. Dr. Wright announces that he about to deliver Baby A, but stops and locks eyes with me over the draping and says "Don't be alarmed if you do not hear them cry right away. Babies deliver this way often have to have the mucus sucked out with a syringe. Babies delivered vaginally, get some of that gunk cleared from their lungs during the pushing of labor. Don't freak out!" I weakly say "ok" and begin to worry. Dr. Wright says "here we go!" and before I can breathe again, Jacob makes his entrance at 10:44 am, squalling like mad! Dr. Wright laughs a happily and mentions that Jacob also decided to pee everywhere!! Dr. Wright hands him off to the nurses and I look at the TV like screen trying to get a peek at him.  I barely get a glance at Jacob before Dr. Wright announces something like "let's go get Baby B!" At 10:46 am, Jonathan Wyatt made his grand entrance, also squalling, but at a higher pitch than his brother. Jonathan waited to pee until they got him in the incubator! After each boy was cleaned up a bit, Elliot brought them over for me to see up close. They were and still are so beautiful. I do still think that newborn babies look like ugly aliens and think the phrase "a face only a Mother could love" come from viewing newborn babies. Once the boys are checked over, one of the nurses comes over and tells me they looks great and they do not need to go to the NICU. I am so stunned that I have her repeat herself and she does with a huge smile.

 

It sounds funny to say, but I think once I knew the boys were out of me and safe and healthy, I let go. Being in the hospital 10 weeks is mentally exhausting, but knowing we could be facing more NICU time on top of all that was stressful beyond belief. During the whole birth/surgery I was fighting nausea. The anesthesiologist checked to see how I was doing and kept trying to help out the entire time they were sewing me back up and getting me ready for the recovery stage. The sewing up part did not help with my nausea at all. It feels like there is someone on either side of you and they are pushing your lower abdomen back and forth between them. A very unique and strange feeling. Thankfully, I did not throw up in the OR, but due to my massive nausea and the maternity ward being full, I spent several hours in the recovery room. 

What I recall most about the recovery room is my utter helplessness. I threw up two separate times and was completely worn out. I have never felt so bad. I was physically weak and felt like I had been run over by a Mac truck and backed over several times. It took tremendous effort to move my head or try to move my arms even a little. I fully intended to try to breastfeed in the recovery room, but I could barely lift my arms and was out of it. I remember trying to ask Elliot something about the boys and I could hear myself saying it, knowing it was coming out as a whisper, but try as I may I could not talk any louder. Since I was soooo out of it, a nurse accompanied us to watch over the boys specifically and when was evident I could not feed them right away, we gave permission to let her feed them some sort of formula. I was upset and angry that I could not feed and hold my boys after 10 long weeks of work and finally succumbed to a nap, which helped with some of the nausea.

Jacob  never has been a morning person...

Sweet little Jonathan

Beautiful Jacob: 6 # 8 oz., 19 inches

Beautiful Jonathan: 6# 7oz., 18 1/2 inches

A room opened up on the maternity floor and I was feeling a bit better so we were lead to our new room for the next four days. I gave birth on a Saturday and we were finally allowed to leave late on Tuesday afternoon. Those four days were pure agony and I do not use that word lightly.

After settling into our room, I was asked how we intended to feed the boys. Asheville being Asheville is huge on breastfeeding and I stated that was what I intended to do. That said, I wish someone had explained to me in full detail what sort of time allowances are needed to breastfeed and breastfeed twins.  Medical professionals tell you that infants feed frequently, but what they do not explain is that infants feed every 2-3 hours, so you are feeding, preparing to feed or maybe, just maybe going to the bathroom or trying to gobble something down before it's time to start the process all over. So, we spend hours trying to get the boys to latch on and get me to "self" express to get my milk to come in because in the first few days I need to really work hard to get my supply up to be able to feed twins. We discover Jacob has a latching issue, but Jonathan does not. So I can try to feed Jonathan, but how will I feed Jacob?  So instead of breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, I given a hospital grade pump to use to get my supply up. Since I do not have any breastfeeding bras or pumping bra/supplies, I must coordinate and hold the two flanges and bottles, careful not to move or the seal will break and I will drip precious milk. After 20-30 minutes, you arms and hands ache from hold the same position. Sometime Elliot would prop my arms up with pillows or take a turn holding the pieces to give my arms a break. But if one of the boys needed attention, it was back to me holding all the pumping supplies. Exhausting. So Elliot and I get caught in a vicious cycle of pumping, feeding, washing pump pieces, changing diapers and back to pumping. Oh yeah, better write down all those feeding amounts and diapers on those stupid forms. The nurses are adamant that we will out these forms, but exhaustion sets in a couple times we forget to write down a feeding or changing or which baby it was. We are then made to feel like horrible parents because we forgot and how will everyone know if the boys have had enough to eat or have had the appropriate amount of wet or soiled diapers. After 4 days of this, Elliot and I had about 5-6 hours of sleep. No joke.

Medial professionals also advise you to try to stand and walk after the C section as it helps with recovery.  I am not a lazy person and I sincerely tried to get up soon and on my own, but it was very painful and hard to stand up for long periods of time. Because of my slowness, Elliot changed 99% of the diapers while we were in the hospital. One of best/worst moments of those 4 days was when Elliot was tending to the boys, I am in the bed and the nurse comes in and says "Let's get up and walk in the hall. He can't do all the work."  I could tell by her tone what she thought of me as a mother. Before I can reply, Elliot gives her a look and says, "She will get up when she is ready. She has been on bedrest for 10 weeks". From the nurses face, I could tell this was new information to her. Looking back, it makes me wonder if she has looked over my file before attending to me. I do not think she did judging by her expression. One would think that anyone who had been on bedrest that long would have a file 5 miles thick and such a medical intervention would be noted in red, bold print on the front page. All I know is that my wonderful husband stood up and fought for me and I fell deeper in love with my husband at that moment.

Another issue with the maternity wing being so full was that I would call and wait, wait and wait some more for my medication. I was told to stay on top of my medicine and stay ahead of the pain, but if the nurses are busy, I did not get my medicine at the best intervals. Not good when you are running on literally no sleep and people are constantly in and out of your room.

So after four days of not getting my pain medicine, NO sleep, snotty, useless medical staff, combined with 10 weeks of bedrest, we were ready to go home Tuesday morning. We were so busy that I was unable to put in my contacts, after having to wear my glasses for the C section since they do not like you to wear contacts in surgery, until about 1 hour before leaving the hospital! I knew I mentally needed to be in my own home finally and would recover better there. Elliot and I thought we would be released around noon so we did not even bother to order lunch for me or get food for him. But first we have to wait for them to do there medical checks and get discharge paperwork for me and the boys completed. You would think you would put the lady who has been on bedrest for 10 weeks on the top of the pile, but no. So we wait and while we wait we must pump and feed the boys and the cycle continues and we begin to be frustrated and wonder if we will every leave this hospital. Recall we are also working on 6 hours of sleep so our rational and goodwill are out the window. Around 1, we learn the boys have been discharged, but I have not. Elliot calls the OB to see what the hold up is. An hour later. Amy, the nurse at my OBGYN, walks in with my discharge paperwork to the boys sleeping in their isoletes, Elliot crying in frustration on the pullout couch and me pumping and crying on the bed. She immediately asks what's wrong and all these issues come pouring out of Elliot and me. Amy tells me to stop pumping and tells me about her own daughter's breastfeeding troubles. She advises us to have a family member or friend go and buy use some bottles and formula and tells us to get to packing. Amy then goes out to the nurses' station and begins yelling at them to get us ready to go and give us formula samples. Amy was our knight in shining scrubs. The nurses bring a cart to load our stuff and resentfully give us free formula supplies, making comments about "breast is best," etc. While I agree with the statement, I also think sane parents are more important.  We leave the hospital in tears, feeling like failed parents.

By the time we drive to bottom of the hill that the hospital sits on, reality sets in that by the time we arrive home, I will need to immediately start pumping and I fight to hold back the tears. I look at Elliot and tell him that we are stopping at a grocery store on the drive home, he is going inside and buying whatever bottles and formula he can find and we will pump and feed what we can and supplement with formula. It was the most sane act as a parent I made since the boys were born.

Over first three months of the boys' lives I struggle with internally that I am failing my boys by not strictly breastfeeding. The voices of nurses at the hospital resound in my mind, coupled with comments from strangers on the Internet anytime you look for help about breastfeeding, and my own personal doubts about being a good mother to my twins. I continually remind myself to breathe and that there is no perfect way to parent and everyone must do the best they can with the situation they are given. My motto becomes "whatever keeps us sane" because I refuse to feel like the failure I did in the hospital.

Momma and Jacob

Momma and Jonathan

Momma and her boys!

Proud Grandma

Old Dude and Grandma inspect the boys

Jonathan on the left, Jacob on the right..yes, they snuggle together

What did I first notice about my baby boys?  Jacob has a chubby cheeks and his nose points upward a bit more. He looks exactly like his daddy. Jonathan's chin reminded me of my Dad's and his left ear seemed to have a bit of a dent in it. I was also amazed how much hair they did NOT have and that is was not black like I thought it would be. The Drs and Elliot and I were surprised how close the boys were in weight and height; very unusual for twins, but they did seem to grow at about the same rate throughout the pregnancy. Also, I thought both boys had very rosy cheeks.

Afterthoughts:

Every woman's pregnancy and birth is a unique experience, whether this is her first or her tenth. After reading online so many women's birth stories, seeing it on TLC and my own experience, I am disgusted and appalled by women who belittle other women for using/not using drugs, vaginal/C-section birth, breast feeding/ formula/ both and other birth decisions. I do not know what true labor feels like. I was having contractions, that's what made my cervix start to dilate so early, but did not realize I has having them. I do not know what it feels like to push out a baby or even two babies, but I am still a great mother to my boys. I never expected to spend ten weeks in the hospital on bedrest and when they said January 5th, you'll be at 37 weeks and the babies can be deliver safely by C-section, I said OK! Mentally, it was time to get out of that hospital; I felt like I had been in prolonged labor for 10 weeks. Everyone has to make the best decisions for their baby/babies, family, themselves and everyone's sanity.

32 -36 weeks and other December events

As, I write this post, it is September nearly 9 months since these pictures were taken. I am trying to go back and update the past few months. December was a very difficult month for many reasons that you can read about and I think I became a bit depressed. Not being able to leave the room for 5 weeks and the fear if you strain yourself somehow your babies will fall out of your body and possibly die, keeps you under pressure.

32 weeks

Front view of Momma and the boys at 32 weeks.

Momma's growing the boys well! 

On Saturday, December 1st my beautiful sister Megan married a wonderful man named Fred. The night before we were able to successfully Skype during the rehearsal at the church. So Megan's wonderful friends skyped me in before the ceremony and I got to see Megan getting ready, mom and dad and all the other relatives. Megan was a beautiful bride. Megan showed me her dress and bouquet. Darling Megan attached a charm with my picture on it so I could walk down the aisle with her.  When she showed me that I lost it for a bit. A lovely, thoughtful gesture, but a painful reminder that I was not there. I did try to participate a bit by wearing the snowflake jewelry the bridesmaids were to wear during the wedding that she had brought me when visiting me at the hospital. I am deeply touched that she included me.  We chatted a bit and then Susan one of the bridesmaids carried the laptop thru the hallways to a special table setup at the front of the church so I and Elliot could view the ceremony. Another of Megan's friends, Amanda, took over the laptop duties explaining what was going on, moving the laptop around so we could see the church and explaining to people why there was a laptop attending the wedding. Amanda turned the sound feature off so any noises I made would not echo thru the church. Through the miracle of technology I able to watch my sister walk down the aisle and attend her wedding. Truly, one of the worst days of being on bed rest was missing my baby sister's special day.

After attending the wedding, Elliot and I rested a bit before our friends came to visit. Elliot and I have some very good friends from college, Pam and Mike and Melanie and Cody, that we enjoy getting together with, even though we are spread across North Carolina. Cody is finishing up his medical residency this year and always attend a big medical conference here in Asheville. Usually, Melanie and Cody stay a couple days with us and Pam and Mike drive over and we all have an afternoon and evening of food, fun and games. This year we celebrated in the hospital. It was wonderful to get together and have a semblance of normalcy.

3 Mommas to be! There are 4 children in this picture :) Melanie is 16 weeks, Pam is 20 weeks and I am 32. 

3 Daddies to be! There are NO children in this picture, but it looks like there could be ;)

3 Mommas and 6 kids in this picture..some are just really good a hiding, though my breech baby Jacob wants to come out and play! Melanie, Madelyn, and baby Wingler to be, Riley, Pam and baby Gunter to be, Amy and babies Lunsford to be!  

Elliot finally had that shovel for all those holes he gets himself into...

Those good feelings evaporated Sunday afternoon when they brought my dinner in at 4:30.  I had a breakdown over my dinner knowing that once again I would be eating the same food, from the same menu, that I had been enduring the past 6 weeks. I sobbed so hard I made myself sick and couldn't choke down my food to eat it.  Elliot ended up going and getting me some take out for dinner, but I was in a mental mess of thinking about all the events, people and things I was missing out on. Being Sunday, I knew I would also be alone that night as Elliot needed to sleep at home to be ready for another week at school. 

The week did not get much better. On Tuesday, December 4, Elliot's Mama passed away. I know these past few months have been especially hard for Jan with caring for her mother and trying to keep me in good spirits. The funeral was held on Thursday and Elliot served as one of the pallbearers. Elliot drove in his own car, just in case I would call and say I was in labor. I do feel a bit sad that she will not meet the boys here on Earth, but I do know that she was excited that there would be another set of twins in her family.

The highlight of the week was my Friday ultrasound. The boys are growing beautifully. Baby A, Jacob, is measuring at 34 weeks growth and 4 lbs. 14 oz. Baby B, Jonathan, is keeping pace at also 34 weeks and 4 lbs. 11 oz. Even though Elliot was not able to be there for the ultrasound, due to him still at school and when they can fit my ultrasound into the schedule, the nurses do a good job of encouraging me. They all gather around and want to see ultrasound pictures and hear the boys stats. It's nice to know they care.

 33 weeks

Momma in, literally, her home away from home-a hospital bed.

Thirty three weeks prove to be much better. On Saturday, December 8, the doctors determined that I was stable enough to ride in the wheelchair for 30 minute periods around the hospital. Due to Jacob's continued breech presentation, as shown in Friday's ultrasound, it is not advised that I go home. Not what I wanted to hear, but I do not want to be at home and have an emergency and risk the boys and I's lives, so I stay put. Elliot takes me for a quick spin around the 4th floor, but I do not last long-my bottom goes numb from sitting like that! I try to be thankful that I am slowly gaining some freedom back.

That Saturday I try to cheer myself and begin working on Christmas cards. I've always enjoyed sending Christmas cards and figure this activity will keep my occupied for a bit. On Tuesday, Elliot takes me outside in the wheelchair. I am on the 4th floor and Elliot has to get me to the ground floor to get outside to a little alcove. The elevator ride was smooth, but the unexpected, quick ride made me nauseous. We only stayed outside for about 10 minutes as it was a bit cold and rainy. I had not been outside in 1 1/2 months, so it was definitely strange. The elevator ride back up was not as bad, but I was still surprised that the initial ride made me sick. 

On Thursday, the doctors give me a delivery date of January 5. The senior high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor at the hospital and my doctors meet and pick that date since I will be officially at 37 weeks (excellent for twin growth) and my primary care OBGYN will be on call and able to do my C section. Elliot and I had been pushing for a date since these weeks have been incredibly hard and stressful for us and our families. Dr Wright fully expects that the boys will be here before then and has told me on more than one occasion that the Drs. do not know why I am still pregnant, there is nothing there (meaning I have no cervix left to hold back these boys) and it's a miracle I'm still pregnant. I have also reminded him that there are many people around town and the country praying for me, these boys and our family. Knowing people care and are praying for me is what is keeping me sane, somehow.

Friday, I'm watching TV and learn of the shooting at the elementary school in Sandyhook, Connecticut. In my entire time on bedrest, it is the only time I am glad I am not at school. Not for a selfish fear of my life; if I must, I will die protecting my students. Not because of any fear that such a thing could happen at my school, but having to answer questions from the kids.  How do you explain to kids that some people are deeply sick and hurt others for no reason, but they are safe at our little school,  knowing that that is really not an adequate answer. Knowing that our country has some twisted, backward logic and lobbyists that believe gun control is a bad thing. I come from a hunting family, but it sickens me how easily anyone can obtain assault weapons. How many innocent children must die or be left with scars of terror watching your classmates die? What number must we reach? Ok, off my soapbox...

Smiling because I can finally go outside in a wheelchair!

Front view of Momma and the boys!

Elliot mentioned to his students about all the equipment baby's require and that we did not have hats.  One of his students, Megan M., went home and knitted these for us. High schoolers can be so thoughtful!

34 weeks

As another week passes, Elliot and I decide he better get some errands done before the boys impending arrival.  Elliot spend Saturday running errands, get the oil changed in my car and getting a pertussis and flu shot. Elliot does not like shots (ok, wimp, who does?) but I tell him I did not sit in the hospital all these weeks for you to bring home some germ and give it to the boys. Besides if you have some reaction to the flu shot, you can fight it off over winter break and before January 5th. HA Ha.

Monday brings homemade Christmas cookies from the nurse practitioner, also named Amy, at my OBGYN. She makes rounds at the hospital too, and I enjoy her upbeat manner. She had said she would be making cookies that weekend and would bring me some. I kinda blew it off, thinking she would forget. She didn't! The homemade cookies were a sad reminder of another Christmas tradition that I was missing, but it was nice to still be able to enjoy a decorated sugar cookie. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. It was also a reminder to me that when I get out of here, that I will overcome my personal uneasiness of hospitals and go visit and cheer those stuck in the hospital.

Getting bigger every day

Are we done yet?

On Wednesday, one of the doctors from my OBGYN practice and the nurse waltz into my room during my lunch and announce that I need some more lab work done. First, I was annoyed that I was in the middle of eating my lunch, evident by my tray of half eaten food, and would have to stop eating as not to be rude. Couldn't they come back after or visited before? Second, the nurse is my least favorite because I think she is a bit on the dramatic side and the doctor is my least favorite because his bedside manner makes me uncomfortable with its awkward long pauses. So they have been reviewing my chart and think my blood pressure has been too high several times and may be a sign of preeclampsia. So I will have my blood drawn and then have to provide daily urine samples-back to feeling like a lab rat again. They also brought up my bout of vomiting from over a week previous, (which I think was induced by brushing my teeth and hitting my gag reflex). So dramatic nurse sees all of this as signs of preeclampsia though I am not having any major signs of it. GRRRR!

As I figured, the lab showed that my blood work and urine sample were just fine and do not have any indications of preeclampsia. Unfortunately, I must continue to provide daily urine samples to make sure nothing is developing. I am beginning to think the doctors are getting bored and need to prove that they are taking care of my stable, boring, they can't believe I've made it to 34 weeks pregnant self. All of this hype over nothing reminds me of a few weeks ago when they thought I had a bladder infection. I showed none to limited signs of a bladder infection, but let's sample and test every iota of body fluids they can get.

Friday brings another visit from the therapy dog, Misha. Yay!  Elliot is now out for winter break. Double yay!

 35 weeks

Knowing Christmas would be arriving soon and maybe/maybe not my boys, and I would be stuck in this hospital, I stopped writing my daily notes in my notebook for my blog posts. I mainly recall from this week being depressed that I was still at the hospital and being insanely jealous of the women who got to home and be with their families. The floor had been full to capacity, plus three other rooms on the labor floor, but they try to clear as many people out as they can and send them home for the holidays.  By the 24th, 25th and 26th, I think there was only me and 3 other critical patients left on the MFMU floor. The holidays also bring the "weird" nurses that either don't mind working the holiday or don't have any plans. I don't know how else to describe them other than weird due to their long finger nails, old fashioned hair dos, scrub tops that have strange patterns and have been washed so much they look almost faded and threadbare. They also don't seem to know how to use the equipment as well as the nurses I see most days. Just something slightly "off".  The only doctor on call during this period is the same Dr., the Jewish one. Go figure...

The best part of this weeks is that I am allowed to walk the hall of the MFMU. I exit my room to the right and walk past the nurses station, several patient rooms and then loop back up at the locked door, which you must be buzzed in at to access the floor. I start back up the hall passing the ice machine, small patient refrigerator, several patient rooms and keep walking to the large windowed crosswalk between MFMU and labor and delivery. I stop here to rest and look at the view. I can see the 2 hospital helicopters that take off from the landing pad and highway 25 leading up into Biltmore. I touch the window to see what the weather outside feels like. I then cross the hall and take a few more steps and I am back at my room. I began walking 1-2x a day and worked my way up to doing the entire loop. The first few days were the hardest, as I was unsteady and the exertion of the simple walk would cause me to sweat profusely. By the Friday before delivery, I was walking 3-4 laps a day, trying to get stronger for my boys. I would try to walk after breakfast, before lunch, around 4pm and sometime in the evening between 7:30-8. Walking was very painful, with my muscles atrophying and the weight of my pregnancy and I would sometimes alternate walking and crying. When Elliot was there, he would hold my hand we would walk. I preferred to walk with Elliot, but refused to let myself NOT walk because he wasn't able to be there. I told myself every painful step helped get me stronger and be more on the road to recovery for my boys.

Twin pregnancy in all it's glory??? I look awful, but included it because you can see the massive size of my tummy. 

Same pose, slightly different angle

Glad someone is enjoying this stage of my pregnancy...

One more week!

All I could think this week, is NEXT Christmas will be sooo much better and wonderful, just hang in there Amy.

My mini Christmas tree. 

36 weeks

I don't have any notes from this time period either, I just mainly recall counting down the days until January 5th, knowing one way or another the boys will be here by then. It is a mixture of excitement and fear. I do recall on New Year's Eve wishing that I would go into labor and my boys would get to be the New Year's Day babies, but it was not meant to be.  After the holiday, Elliot went back to school for a couple days because we knew he would take off at least a week once the boys were here. We also did not want to use any more of his "sick" days than we needed to, knowing that we wanted me to still be able to draw a full paycheck while on maternity leave. Although I had some sick leave saved up, it was quickly used up during my disability period and we had transferred some of Elliot's sick leave to me already.

The month of December I was in pretty much constant pain from the weight of my pregnancy. I had almost 13 pounds of baby plus all the other pregnancy fluid, placenta and other "stuff."  It hurt to shift in bed and walking was very slow and painful from all the weight. There was a constant pressure/pain in my pelvic area and if I moved too fast, it would become shooting pain. I was allowed to take pain medication, but I am funny in that I do not like to take lots of medicine. For example, if you see me taking some sort of pain reliever, I've had that headache for several hours. I only take medicine when I've hit my maximum pain threshold, which is pretty high. So I kept a constant supply of those popping instant ice packs to put in my underwear. Felt so wonderful and worked better than the pain medication.

Ahhh the home stretch!

Different angles to show the immense stomach that is my boys and perhaps a few vital organs

Motivation board is counting down the days!

The reason I endure bedrest

31 week update

Momma and the twins have reached 31 weeks!

31 weeks side view; when I look at these pics I have a hard time recalling what I looked like pre-pregnancy.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I learned a bit to work the hospital food system. Dessert comes with lunch and dinner and I actually like about half of the desserts they serve. But like the rest of the menu, I’ve become tired of the same desserts every week. I’ve started asking for other desserts and have discovered that the cafeteria has pretty good brownies. Usually the food service person will ask what I would like when I make a face about the dessert offering and I usually reply, “Something chocolate”. So I’ve had all the various types of brownies they make and some kind of chocolate and peanut butter cake that is not that bad. I’ve learned I just need to ask about a different food option to see if they can find something I like. About once a week the cafeteria dietitian comes by to see how the food and service is going since I am a long term patient. I haven’t mentioned anything so far, but I think I will bring up the blandness of the food. They really need some ethnic food on the menu too.

I continue to have trouble sleeping at night. It really started around 30 weeks and I at first thought it was my imagination. I realize now with the huge size of my stomach it is hard to find a comfortable side sleeping position. I am trying to stay hydrated too so I get up 3-5 times a night between 11-7:15am to pee. I guess this is preparing me for when the boys arrive and need to be fed, changed, etc.  After returning to bed, it then takes me another 10 minutes to get slightly comfortable to be able to sleep. The boys moving around in my stomach also can keep me awake.  

I’ve also had some tingly pain behind my knees, especially noticeable not long after waking up. The nurses have been afraid that my blood is pooling in my legs, although my legs have not become swollen. To combat this, I have been given special compression stockings to wear. Since I can move and rotate my legs during the day, I mostly wear the stockings at night. The stockings are a bit hot because they are SO tight. They are also hard to get on and off, trying to maneuver around my large stomach, so I’ve been getting Elliot or a nurse to help me. Another instance of me having to depend on someone else to do a simple activity for me. GRRRRR.

Tonight I also watched Home Alone on TV. It is now the official start of showing Christmas movies although it is not even December. I do not consider Home Alone really a Christmas movie, but I guess the setting is Christmas time. I enjoyed that movie as an elementary age kid and recall my Uncle John always got a kick out of it too. It is hard to find funny, family friendly movies nowadays and Home Alone is defiantly one of those in today’s times.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The morning began with a TWO HOUR non stress test monitoring of the boys. It was pure torture. The nurse put me on the monitors and the boys acted up immediately and would not stay put long enough. Elliot happened to call to get my breakfast order and when Elliot arrived with my biscuit, I was approaching the one hour mark. The nurse said “Eat your biscuit and I’ll come back to try again”. I had about a 20 minute break and then back on the monitors I went. Part of the trouble this time was Jacob kept kicking the monitor off! This is the first time/day that he has ever done that. I don’t know if he was finally strong enough or finally got tired of being monitored, but he did not want it on. I was beginning to think only Jonathan was feisty! It was during this second time on the monitors that both boys settled down enough they could get a 20 minute segment. I was about to go nuts.

Later that evening, I started have several contractions within one hour, much like the previous Sunday. So I lay on my side and drank water like a fish, slowly started to feel better and have the contractions slow down and then peed every 20 minutes for two hours. Again, much like the previous Sunday. The things I do for these boys! Sunday is also dip and weigh night; I have gained another 4 pounds. I can tell I am steadily getting bigger, but I am not sure how I am gaining that much weight. I know a good part of my weight gain is because I can't move around and work it off, but I guess my eating habits have changed more than I first thought??

Monday, November 26, 2012

Today was kinda rough because it marked my confinement of being here one MONTH!  A major emotional roller coaster for me. Sadly, I have barely left the room and have not been outside at all in a month. I have not been home in a month. I have not been to church in a month. I have not cuddled and kissed my cats in a month. I have not worked in a month. I have not cooked a meal in my home in a month. I have not been to a store or gone out to eat in a month. I have not done laundry, taken out the trash, cleaned the bathroom, gathered the mail, paid bills or done any other chores in a month. I have not been a normal person in a month. I keep wondering how long it will be before I can start to feel normal again. My life is stuck in neutral and I can’t go forward at all.

Maybe my above mentioned feelings were compounded by the fact I started looking at my insurance. I had been avoiding it due to the stress of thinking about how much is me just laying here costing us every day and how much of that cost will we have to pay.  The hospital has several case workers that help people with insurance, being someone to talk to and other issues patients may have. Before becoming pregnant, Elliot and I signed me up for disability insurance. Basically, after the HUGE pile of paperwork is submitted, we should get two checks, one for my being on bed rest and the other for being disabled for delivery. When we signed up, the insurance guy said the insurance people referred to disability insurance for younger women as baby insurance. Since I have been on bed rest so long, we and the case worker checked in on how and when I would need to apply for my disability insurance. Basically, no paperwork can be done or submitted until I am released from the hospital. Boo. A huge hassle to deal with combined with recovering from surgery and bed rest and learning to parent twins. I also looked at my regular insurance and saw that the last submitted bills for me were from my doctor appointment on 10/26, so I guess the hospital is also waiting to submit bills on me until they release me. I was hoping to see at least a few days submitted so I could estimate how much this will all be. Of course I am a cheaper patient than two babies in the NICU, but the cost of all of this is alarming. Now that I’ve been here longer and every day the boys are less in danger, I can’t decide if it would be better for me mentally and physically and monetarily to deliver now and have them in the NICU a few days or to keep ‘em cookin’ and me on bed rest and less possible days in the NICU.

A bright spot in my day was a visit from Jan. She was very happy and brought me some Christmas antlers to wear. I wore them for a bit.  I admire how she can be happy with all the craziness going on with Mama right now. I pray it will be resolved soon and the doctors figured out how to make Mama comfortable and happy.

Another bright spot was receiving flowers from my Aunt Julie and Uncle Peter. It was a pretty arrangement with daises, yellow roses and some sort of blueish flower I can’t identify.  Since all the flowers people had brought or sent me have died, it was nice to have something fresh and alive again in my room.

Pretty floral arrangement with a picture frame on front. You insert a small picture where the "sweet dreams!" phrase is located. It's attached to a cup like structure to hold the flowers.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Today was a pretty quiet day. I had a long visit from Dr. Wright and the OBGYN nurse Burris about how far I have come. They cannot believe I have made it this far-me either. I think they check in now mainly to assess my mental health, which most days is pretty good, considering my circumstances.

In the morning, Clara stopped by to chat and bring a gift for the boys. Clara works here in the administrative part of the hospital. She brought two matching outfits from Gymboree with the cutest raccoon design on them. Unfortunately, I forgot to get a picture of them. I now have a good mix of matching and non-matching clothes for the twins. Yes, I plan to dress them alike sometimes-they are twins after all. But I also realize they are individuals and depending on how much they look alike I may need to dress them differently to tell the difference.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Borrowed from:http: //performingsongwriter.com/charlie-brown-christmas/

Nothin' starts the Christmas season for me like a Charlie Brown Christmas on TV...in November. 

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday turned out to be a pretty busy day. While waiting to be put on the monitors I worked some on school stuff. I am desperately trying to get done with my lesson plans just in case the boys come. I like to leave things in a completed sense, but that is not working well in my current condition. I am still bitter about leaving my library in a disheveled stated and not being able to meet/interview my sub. Sigh. I do need to get over it.

Once they put me on the monitors, the boys did an excellent job of accelerating their heartbeats. They do not technically have to do this until 32 weeks, but it’s good they are getting in the habit of it now. Grow babies grow!!

I also had several visitors. Joan and Angel visited me again. Joan brought me some fresh blueberries and strawberries to munch on. I do appreciate how much they have visited me. It’s hard some days know that the world carries on without you and you are totally out of the loop. Mrs. Miller, my school’s PTO president, brought her son and another PTO mom, Mrs. Johnson, and her daughter to visit me. It was such a blessing to see the kids again; I do miss being around kids all day and teaching them. We had a nice long visit and they also brought some small gifts to cheer me up. I certainly do not expect gifts, but it is nice to know people are thinking about you. It was not until the end of our visit that Mrs. Miller mentioned that she had to be on home bed rest for 3 weeks at the end of her pregnancy. I’ve now met someone who has survived bed rest and knows how hard it can be. Makes me appreciate her visits all the more.

A Christmas fern from the Johnsons and a Willow Tree Angel of Prayer from the Millers. I will see if I can turn the snowman figure into a Christmas ornament for next year and keep the Willow Tree figure to remind me of the many wonderful people around the country that have been praying for me and the boys. 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

One of the best things to happen today was that because I am so close to 32 weeks and have continued to be stable since I first checked in, the doctors agreed to allow me to have day room privileges and short wheelchair rides, but only on the 4^th floor in case I have an emergency. I was shown the day room; it’s quite small and cluttered with furniture. There is a large sink area, a very large couch and two gaudy pink recliners. There is also a magazine rack on the wall and a window with a view of the mountains. I had a short wheelchair ride just to get out. It was dark by the time Elliot arrived, but I was desperate to see the hallway and just something different so I took a ride anyway. I looked out the huge window that overlooks Hendersonville road and leads to I-40. All I could see was long lines of headlights and lights from various businesses in the dark, but it was so nice to see something other than my 3 walls and the window with the view of a brick wall. I cannot wait for the day I can go outside again.

Today I finished up and emailed my lesson plans to my interim sub. This should give her 3 weeks worth and get her prepared and ready for the month of December. Besides giving her the formal lesson plans, I also write detailed notes and try to be as clear as possible. Sometimes I think I may be going a bit over board. I also emailed Ginny, my principal, about my health status and to ask her about January and February lesson plans. I am not trying to be reclusive or distant about telling my co workers about my and the boys progress, but there is not much to report except I am still pregnant, we have no idea when I will deliver and I am trying not to lose my mind. Ginny wrote back and said I could write the lesson plans for my sub if I wanted to, but it would not be expected. I think I may let the sub create the lesson plans for January and February. Partly because I will be extremely busy once the babies are here and the plans I would like to do, I cannot do. In January, I like to read the 12 NC Children’s Picture Book Award nominees and then have the children vote. It’s a great lesson plan that all grades can do and participate, makes for easy lesson planning and exposes the students to current children’s literature. Because I have been laid up here, the book orders I had hoped to place in November once we had the fundraising and PTO contributions in have not been ordered, thus I have not been able to purchase the 12 nominees. It bothers me that the kids will not know some of the latest literature, but what can I do?

Our good friends from our WCU days, Melanie and Cody, came to visit in the evening. They have an adorable daughter, Madelyn, who has just turned one and Melanie is expecting again! Cody has a doctor’s conference at the Grove Park Inn and for the past few years we have had them stay with us at our home while Cody attends the conference and Mel and I spend some good girl time together. On the Saturday of the conference, we also invite our other good WCU friends, Pam and Mike and we enjoy a good visit, Elliot and I make dinner and often end the night playing games. Originally, Elliot and I were not going to be in town because of Megan’s wedding on Saturday, but that of course is no longer happening. It was so wonderful to see them again and see little Maddie. It was amusing to watch Elliot watch and interact with Maddie. Maddie knew that there was a certain food item in her diaper bag that she wanted and she was determined to get it. Mel and Cody kept trying to distract her with other items from the bag and sometimes it worked, but eventually Maddie would remember that her special food item was still in the bag. Elliot was just fascinated that A) you can distract the baby easily and B) Maddie still recalled, repeatedly, that her food item was in the diaper bag. I’m no expert either, but Elliot has a lot to learn about babies and toddlers. Besides a fun visit, they gifted us a beautiful poinsettia to dress up the room and a gigantic bag of wipes and a large bottle of Dreft detergent. It was so much stuff that the bag’s handles ripped and Elliot had to use both arms to carry when he left. Oh baby!

 Beautiful poinsettia gets me in the Christmas spirit.

 Friday, November 30, 2012

Today started off slow and I was not happy about that. Because the MFMU is quite full right now and I am further along than some patients and relatively stable, I get put at the end of the list when it comes to having the nurse come in and do their daily checklist on me. It really stinks on shower and bed linen change day. I look forward to my every other day showers since some days I feel like I can smell myself and the shower lets me feel normal for a few minutes. I hesitate to get involved in working on this blog, reading or other projects because I will be interrupted at any moment for 20+ minutes. Maybe if I did start one of those activities it would work to actually get them in the room to see me.

They barely left the room when the pet therapy dog arrived. This one was a Dalmatian; I was so excited because I have never petted a Dalmatian. Brodie was a very friendly dog and hopped right up on the bed with me! I really do enjoy the pet therapy visits.

Not long after the Dalmatian left, Jan and Angel came by to visit. Jan discussed her upcoming right shoulder surgery. At first, we thought she had only pulled a muscle and the area was just very sore. But after continued pain, she had an x-ray which showed the muscles and ligaments in her shoulder were straining and coming apart. When her doctor explained that she would need surgery in January to repair it, she couldn’t drive for 10 days after and then 4-6 weeks of recovery and therapy. When she heard that news, she apparently had a crying breakdown. Jan explained to the doctor about me on hospitalized bed rest with twins coming and that her mother was sick and in and out of the hospital over an hour away. The doctor took great pity on her and scheduled her for surgery on 12/7, over some athletes who have been waiting over a month to have their surgery done. I am grateful to the doctor because although Elliot plans to take some time off once the twins are born, he will have to go back to work and I will still be in the process of regaining my strength from bed rest and a C-section. Jan is now relieved and praying the boys come after she is allowed to drive again on December 17th and once she has some of her recovery period done. Quite frankly, I don’t know if I will be able to hold on that long. I want the boys to have more time to cook, but I was hoping to be home for Christmas. Guess we’ll see what happens.

Off and on all day I had been calling either Mom or Megan to find out when the rehearsal for the wedding would be going on. Elliot had brought me our laptop with Skype downloaded on it and we were going to try it out in preparation of Saturday being the big wedding day. When Susan, one of the bridesmaids, called to tell us to boot up the computer and try to connect, I was so nervous, but excited. The Skype worked beautifully and Susan yelled to Megan that it had connected. Megan knelt down in front of the computer screen and we both started to cry. I was so relieved that Skype was working because Megan had been told the church’s wireless connection was not that strong. I was able to watch the whole rehearsal practiced twice and chatted with mom and dad a bit too. The connection kicked us off a couple times, but Susan and Mileva, the other bridesmaid, were right there to reconnect.  I just hope it works as well or better for the wedding.

I went to bed praying to God for it to stop pouring on our family. I know life has its ups and downs and when I was first admitted to the hospital it felt like it was starting to "rain" on us. The rain was tolerable, but increased steadily when Mama started having issues and then turned to a downpour gully washer with Jan’s upcoming surgery and me having to miss my sister’s wedding. Each of those incidents by themselves is tough to handle, but having to cope with all that feels like you are in a monsoon and can’t see your hand in front of you. All I can pray anymore is for guidance and for the downpour to stop.