Welcome to the World!

On Saturday, January 5, 2013 Jacob Alexander (Baby A) and Jonathan Wyatt (Baby B) finally made their appearance. This post is very hard for me to write because I have very conflicting and confusing feelings about my birthing experience, some feelings that I am still quite bitter about.

 

My preparation for the surgery began the day before.  The nurses I had in the days leading up to Saturday were great in telling me what to expect and how to best recover from the C-section.  Several of the nurses had also experienced a C-section and those tips were the best. Of course, I had been doing lots of my own research on the Internet and promptly freaking myself out over some of the details I was reading. After a bit, I had to just turn the computer off, say "Enough!" and pray; probably what I should have done to begin with.

 My home sweet home

My infamous bed

Since its a handicapped room, it was decent sized with a good amount of daylight

Bathroom with a nice chair to sit on while I took my shower/cried

My view for 10 weeks, only adding to the prisonlike atmosphere. If Elliot and I were ever rich, one of the first things I would do is donate enough money to "redo" the MFMU of the hospital and demand that any rooms have a nice view and donate enough money to guarantee that. No one should have to stare at this for months.



If I laid down almost completely on my back, I could get a glimpse of the sky.

The night before; I am huge and so uncomfortable with pelvic pain

Taken Friday, January 4, 2013, our last night before becoming parents!

Friday evening, a nurse came in to clip, not shave, the area from under my belly button to about an inch below my panty line. Being a pretty modest person, this was a bit embarrassing and made me very self conscious, but thankfully the nurse who had to do the clipping was one of my favorites. She was a pretty, petite blonde thing, whose sweet demeanor reminded me of my friend Melanie, which was comforting to me. Mentally, I was beginning to get anxious as my pregnancy was finally coming to an end, we would finally get to meet the boys but compounded with the fact that is a major surgery oh and possible NICU time for the boys.  After the clipping was finished, I had to shower with a special sponge that has antiseptic wash on it. It is the same sponge that the doctors wash up with when they prepare for surgery.  I tried to drink lots of water all day Friday and up to midnight, when they took away my water pitcher since you cannot have food or drink so many hours before the surgery. After I finished with my shower, Elliot and I tried to get some sleep before the big day.

Anyway, one of the things I had been advised about was using caution about my food choices   They would monitor me closely after the surgery to see when I passed gas and when I moved my bowels; they may not let me leave the hospital until those things occurred  Before the surgery, I chose foods that were "lighter" and hopefully be easy to pass. I also avoided soda and using a straw since that would require me to suck in air. The nurses and the several articles I read online about recovering mentioned that some of the worst pain after the surgery would be gas pains, since air gets into your stomach since it is being cut open. One my nurses, who had a C section, told me to make sure to ask  for and take my stool softener, pain and gas meds as often as they would let me. I was also told the order of the operation procedures. Once the operation room was ready for me, I would be wheeled into the operating room, while Elliot was to wait outside until they came to get him. Once I was in the OR, they would do the final steps to prep me, including giving me a spinal block. Once they were about to begin the surgery, Elliot would be escorted into the room and instructed to sit by my head. After the surgery was over, I would then go to a recovery room for about an hour. If the boys were ok, they would go with me to the recovery room. If the boys needed assistance, they would be immediately be taken to the NICU. Elliot and I had decided that he would accompany them to the NICU and get them settled and then come back to me in the recovery room. He would give me an update on the boys and then go tell everyone in the waiting room that the boys had arrived and start making phone calls. I was also insistent that once they let me out of the recovery room, I and Elliot would be the first people to meet and greet our boys. THEN, all the family could come to the NICU to meet the boys. Not surprisingly, the best laid plans went awry.
 

Saturday morning before the surgery, my room was a steady stream of hospital staff in and out. We were visited by the anesthesiologist  a special surgery nurse who had me sign off on all the C section related paperwork, Dr. Wright to see if I had any questions before surgery, and various nurses wishing us good luck. Of course, the boys had to have one last time on the monitor to make sure everything was still ok. It was a bit surreal to know I would not have to endure that again and the boys would soon be in our arms. I was still quite anxious as the scheduled time was drawing near, and became even more so once they told me that my surgery had to be pushed back a bit. Elliot then had to call his parents and mine to tell them about the delay and not to worry if they did not hear any news as soon as they expected. Elliot's mom was insistent on wanting to wait at the hospital, even though we warned her that the wait would now be even longer. 

Last time on the monitors...Jonathan is the upper, middle and Jacob is the lower right (my right). Usually there is also a 3rd to monitor me, but since it was delivery day, they decided to forgo it. Often Jonathan would show up on "my" monitor or vice versa. Sometimes Jonathan's monitor would be so high it would be between my breasts. The beige materials is stretchy and helps hold the monitors down when the boys try to kick them off. Jonathan's monitor also has some washcloths on it too to try to help down the monitor in place. Crazy boys...

Heartbeats on the monitor

 

So finally it's go time and they wheel me carefully in a wheelchair towards the operating room and Elliot walks along side. They wheel me at brisk pace and I begin to feel nauseous, but just as I am about to say something we arrive and it is Elliot's turn to get dressed in scrubs and wait while they prep me. I am lead into the operating room and told to sit on the narrow metal operating table. They introduce me to all the staff and explain where the babies will be (in side by side incubators) once they come out and how I can see them. The incubators are along the wall towards my feet, but I can look at a huge TV style screen on my left that will show me a direct view of one of the boys. Unfortunately, there is not another camera for Baby B's bed so I do not get to see him immediately. This irritates me because twins are becoming more common and why don't they have two cameras? Who wouldn't want to see both babies?

The room is cold and I only have my thin gown and I am shivering. Elliot is still waiting in the hall and he will not be allowed in until they are just about to start the operation. They explain the spinal block, how the medicine will work and that I must be completely still. The anesthesiologist also warns me that I may become numb instantly, so be prepared. I sit on the side of the table, my feet dangling down, with my arms circling  and resting on the circulating nurse's neck and torso, while they numb and put in the spinal block. It hurts, but not as bad as I had imagined. It's definitely uncomfortable and I have to remind myself to breathe. I feel the numbing sensation instantly and the nurse instructs me to swing my legs back up and onto the table. I try and realize I cannot so the nurse must place my legs on the table. My arms are tied down, spread eagle style and this is also irritating. I don't mind that they cannot be by my side because the doctors need room to work, but I can't stand that they are tied down. Very uncomfortable. They also set up the drape so I cannot see what's going on with my stomach.

Elliot is brought in and given a little stool to sit on by my head and Dr. Wright comes in and introduces me to the other doctor, a female and I forget her name, but she is still in residency. With two babies and my pregnancy history, I am quite the learning experience. YEA...The rooms fills with music, '80s rock, by Dr. Wright's request. 

Dr. Wright proceeds to pinch and prick several areas of my lower half to determine if I am numb. I am, very much so. He proceeds with the surgery, telling me each step before he does it.  It does not hurt, it's more of an annoying feeling to me because someone is in control of my body, not me and I cannot see what is going on. Not that I want to of course. So I look into Elliot's eyes and try to calm myself. Dr. Wright announces that he about to deliver Baby A, but stops and locks eyes with me over the draping and says "Don't be alarmed if you do not hear them cry right away. Babies deliver this way often have to have the mucus sucked out with a syringe. Babies delivered vaginally, get some of that gunk cleared from their lungs during the pushing of labor. Don't freak out!" I weakly say "ok" and begin to worry. Dr. Wright says "here we go!" and before I can breathe again, Jacob makes his entrance at 10:44 am, squalling like mad! Dr. Wright laughs a happily and mentions that Jacob also decided to pee everywhere!! Dr. Wright hands him off to the nurses and I look at the TV like screen trying to get a peek at him.  I barely get a glance at Jacob before Dr. Wright announces something like "let's go get Baby B!" At 10:46 am, Jonathan Wyatt made his grand entrance, also squalling, but at a higher pitch than his brother. Jonathan waited to pee until they got him in the incubator! After each boy was cleaned up a bit, Elliot brought them over for me to see up close. They were and still are so beautiful. I do still think that newborn babies look like ugly aliens and think the phrase "a face only a Mother could love" come from viewing newborn babies. Once the boys are checked over, one of the nurses comes over and tells me they looks great and they do not need to go to the NICU. I am so stunned that I have her repeat herself and she does with a huge smile.

 

It sounds funny to say, but I think once I knew the boys were out of me and safe and healthy, I let go. Being in the hospital 10 weeks is mentally exhausting, but knowing we could be facing more NICU time on top of all that was stressful beyond belief. During the whole birth/surgery I was fighting nausea. The anesthesiologist checked to see how I was doing and kept trying to help out the entire time they were sewing me back up and getting me ready for the recovery stage. The sewing up part did not help with my nausea at all. It feels like there is someone on either side of you and they are pushing your lower abdomen back and forth between them. A very unique and strange feeling. Thankfully, I did not throw up in the OR, but due to my massive nausea and the maternity ward being full, I spent several hours in the recovery room. 

What I recall most about the recovery room is my utter helplessness. I threw up two separate times and was completely worn out. I have never felt so bad. I was physically weak and felt like I had been run over by a Mac truck and backed over several times. It took tremendous effort to move my head or try to move my arms even a little. I fully intended to try to breastfeed in the recovery room, but I could barely lift my arms and was out of it. I remember trying to ask Elliot something about the boys and I could hear myself saying it, knowing it was coming out as a whisper, but try as I may I could not talk any louder. Since I was soooo out of it, a nurse accompanied us to watch over the boys specifically and when was evident I could not feed them right away, we gave permission to let her feed them some sort of formula. I was upset and angry that I could not feed and hold my boys after 10 long weeks of work and finally succumbed to a nap, which helped with some of the nausea.

Jacob  never has been a morning person...

Sweet little Jonathan

Beautiful Jacob: 6 # 8 oz., 19 inches

Beautiful Jonathan: 6# 7oz., 18 1/2 inches

A room opened up on the maternity floor and I was feeling a bit better so we were lead to our new room for the next four days. I gave birth on a Saturday and we were finally allowed to leave late on Tuesday afternoon. Those four days were pure agony and I do not use that word lightly.

After settling into our room, I was asked how we intended to feed the boys. Asheville being Asheville is huge on breastfeeding and I stated that was what I intended to do. That said, I wish someone had explained to me in full detail what sort of time allowances are needed to breastfeed and breastfeed twins.  Medical professionals tell you that infants feed frequently, but what they do not explain is that infants feed every 2-3 hours, so you are feeding, preparing to feed or maybe, just maybe going to the bathroom or trying to gobble something down before it's time to start the process all over. So, we spend hours trying to get the boys to latch on and get me to "self" express to get my milk to come in because in the first few days I need to really work hard to get my supply up to be able to feed twins. We discover Jacob has a latching issue, but Jonathan does not. So I can try to feed Jonathan, but how will I feed Jacob?  So instead of breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, I given a hospital grade pump to use to get my supply up. Since I do not have any breastfeeding bras or pumping bra/supplies, I must coordinate and hold the two flanges and bottles, careful not to move or the seal will break and I will drip precious milk. After 20-30 minutes, you arms and hands ache from hold the same position. Sometime Elliot would prop my arms up with pillows or take a turn holding the pieces to give my arms a break. But if one of the boys needed attention, it was back to me holding all the pumping supplies. Exhausting. So Elliot and I get caught in a vicious cycle of pumping, feeding, washing pump pieces, changing diapers and back to pumping. Oh yeah, better write down all those feeding amounts and diapers on those stupid forms. The nurses are adamant that we will out these forms, but exhaustion sets in a couple times we forget to write down a feeding or changing or which baby it was. We are then made to feel like horrible parents because we forgot and how will everyone know if the boys have had enough to eat or have had the appropriate amount of wet or soiled diapers. After 4 days of this, Elliot and I had about 5-6 hours of sleep. No joke.

Medial professionals also advise you to try to stand and walk after the C section as it helps with recovery.  I am not a lazy person and I sincerely tried to get up soon and on my own, but it was very painful and hard to stand up for long periods of time. Because of my slowness, Elliot changed 99% of the diapers while we were in the hospital. One of best/worst moments of those 4 days was when Elliot was tending to the boys, I am in the bed and the nurse comes in and says "Let's get up and walk in the hall. He can't do all the work."  I could tell by her tone what she thought of me as a mother. Before I can reply, Elliot gives her a look and says, "She will get up when she is ready. She has been on bedrest for 10 weeks". From the nurses face, I could tell this was new information to her. Looking back, it makes me wonder if she has looked over my file before attending to me. I do not think she did judging by her expression. One would think that anyone who had been on bedrest that long would have a file 5 miles thick and such a medical intervention would be noted in red, bold print on the front page. All I know is that my wonderful husband stood up and fought for me and I fell deeper in love with my husband at that moment.

Another issue with the maternity wing being so full was that I would call and wait, wait and wait some more for my medication. I was told to stay on top of my medicine and stay ahead of the pain, but if the nurses are busy, I did not get my medicine at the best intervals. Not good when you are running on literally no sleep and people are constantly in and out of your room.

So after four days of not getting my pain medicine, NO sleep, snotty, useless medical staff, combined with 10 weeks of bedrest, we were ready to go home Tuesday morning. We were so busy that I was unable to put in my contacts, after having to wear my glasses for the C section since they do not like you to wear contacts in surgery, until about 1 hour before leaving the hospital! I knew I mentally needed to be in my own home finally and would recover better there. Elliot and I thought we would be released around noon so we did not even bother to order lunch for me or get food for him. But first we have to wait for them to do there medical checks and get discharge paperwork for me and the boys completed. You would think you would put the lady who has been on bedrest for 10 weeks on the top of the pile, but no. So we wait and while we wait we must pump and feed the boys and the cycle continues and we begin to be frustrated and wonder if we will every leave this hospital. Recall we are also working on 6 hours of sleep so our rational and goodwill are out the window. Around 1, we learn the boys have been discharged, but I have not. Elliot calls the OB to see what the hold up is. An hour later. Amy, the nurse at my OBGYN, walks in with my discharge paperwork to the boys sleeping in their isoletes, Elliot crying in frustration on the pullout couch and me pumping and crying on the bed. She immediately asks what's wrong and all these issues come pouring out of Elliot and me. Amy tells me to stop pumping and tells me about her own daughter's breastfeeding troubles. She advises us to have a family member or friend go and buy use some bottles and formula and tells us to get to packing. Amy then goes out to the nurses' station and begins yelling at them to get us ready to go and give us formula samples. Amy was our knight in shining scrubs. The nurses bring a cart to load our stuff and resentfully give us free formula supplies, making comments about "breast is best," etc. While I agree with the statement, I also think sane parents are more important.  We leave the hospital in tears, feeling like failed parents.

By the time we drive to bottom of the hill that the hospital sits on, reality sets in that by the time we arrive home, I will need to immediately start pumping and I fight to hold back the tears. I look at Elliot and tell him that we are stopping at a grocery store on the drive home, he is going inside and buying whatever bottles and formula he can find and we will pump and feed what we can and supplement with formula. It was the most sane act as a parent I made since the boys were born.

Over first three months of the boys' lives I struggle with internally that I am failing my boys by not strictly breastfeeding. The voices of nurses at the hospital resound in my mind, coupled with comments from strangers on the Internet anytime you look for help about breastfeeding, and my own personal doubts about being a good mother to my twins. I continually remind myself to breathe and that there is no perfect way to parent and everyone must do the best they can with the situation they are given. My motto becomes "whatever keeps us sane" because I refuse to feel like the failure I did in the hospital.

Momma and Jacob

Momma and Jonathan

Momma and her boys!

Proud Grandma

Old Dude and Grandma inspect the boys

Jonathan on the left, Jacob on the right..yes, they snuggle together

What did I first notice about my baby boys?  Jacob has a chubby cheeks and his nose points upward a bit more. He looks exactly like his daddy. Jonathan's chin reminded me of my Dad's and his left ear seemed to have a bit of a dent in it. I was also amazed how much hair they did NOT have and that is was not black like I thought it would be. The Drs and Elliot and I were surprised how close the boys were in weight and height; very unusual for twins, but they did seem to grow at about the same rate throughout the pregnancy. Also, I thought both boys had very rosy cheeks.

Afterthoughts:

Every woman's pregnancy and birth is a unique experience, whether this is her first or her tenth. After reading online so many women's birth stories, seeing it on TLC and my own experience, I am disgusted and appalled by women who belittle other women for using/not using drugs, vaginal/C-section birth, breast feeding/ formula/ both and other birth decisions. I do not know what true labor feels like. I was having contractions, that's what made my cervix start to dilate so early, but did not realize I has having them. I do not know what it feels like to push out a baby or even two babies, but I am still a great mother to my boys. I never expected to spend ten weeks in the hospital on bedrest and when they said January 5th, you'll be at 37 weeks and the babies can be deliver safely by C-section, I said OK! Mentally, it was time to get out of that hospital; I felt like I had been in prolonged labor for 10 weeks. Everyone has to make the best decisions for their baby/babies, family, themselves and everyone's sanity.